It is the best of times and the worst of times for being a true lover of the round ball game as the World Cup unfolds.
It’s great because you get to watch the greatest sporting event on earth and see world class players doing world class things.
But it comes with having to watch those world class players acting like world class ... well ... actors, rolling around on the ground like a tumbling routine at the circus.
It’s embarrassing and part of the reason soccer players’ toughness is unfavourably compared with the other football codes AFL and rugby.
Compare the pair: Portugal centreback Pepe got slapped on the back with all the force of a wet lettuce leaf yet crumpled to the ground in agony. While in Thursday night’s AFL clash between the Tigers and the Swans, Richmond’s Nick Vlastuin elbowed Swans player Luke Parker in the face. It looked like Parker’s orbital socket was smashed in yet he wiped his face, got up and kicked a goal.
Can you imagine an international soccer player doing the same? They’d still be writhing on the ground.
Google “soccer worst dives” to see some ripping theatrics. Honestly, there is Oscar worthy acting there.
Speaking of ground writhing - did you see Brazilian superstar Neymar forget he was a soccer player and enter the gymnastic floor routine after a slide tackle?
Yes it was a late slide tackle across his legs but he knew it was coming and mostly avoided the impact by jumping over the defender’s legs, leaving enough of his boot dangling to draw the foul.
Yet he still hit the ground and tumbled over and over on the sideline, cartwheeling more than those crazy people who chase that wheel of cheese down a steep UK hill every year.
The game was played in Moscow and he was somewhere near the Latvian border when he finished rolling around like a goose.
As someone who did plenty of sliding on the ground – my second touch was normally a tackle – I can say that fake grass hurts to land on, so why you would do it over and over and over and over again is beyond me.
You’re going to have the bed sheets sticking to your carpet burn for weeks, which is gross, and makes your mum really mad.
Cristiano Ronaldo, widely regarded as the best player in the world (yes, yes, Messi fans, he’s good too and could probably get a run in my Sunday league social side) but he is one of the worst play actors.
If the World Cup was horse racing, someone would run out with a screen and a rifle and put them out of their agony.
Now I was never in danger of being the Vinnie Jones hard man of any soccer team, but when I tore a medial knee ligament, I got up and tried to run it off like the coach said, only going off when the ruined joint crumpled like a Jenga tower. It’s the way Australians play sport.
With the exception of Robbie Kruse who founders around on the ground like a flounder, most Socceroos show a toughness and willingness to put their body on the line.
But with that comes the a reputation of “physical” play, which opposition coaches use as a dog whistle before playing Australia so the referee protects their prima donnas.
The controversial Video Assistant Referee should not just be used to ignore obvious offsides that cost Australia goals (I’m still hurting a bit over that Peruvian one) but should also be used to catch cheats who fake fouls and injuries.
Then us Australian round ball players could watch without grimacing in real pain.
- Mark Baker is Fairfax Tasmania and South Australia managing editor
